No Alternative

I might have commented before that I'm not in the mood to be screwed around with the internet right now. Random parts of my posts are being highlighted and I don't know why. This isn't helpful to my current state of mind. I can't decide whether I'm sleep deprived, confused, anxious, heartbroken or plain irritated. All these feelings come from a dull patch that resides in my medication-pickled brain. The little part that speaks in riddles and ejects severe phobias and post-traumatic stress and bipolar into my system. I can never decide whether I'm friends with this part of my brain or not. On the one hand, it contributes greatly to the structure of my being, making me artistic, sensitive, creative and expressive and on the other hand, it fucks me about and makes me fuck up with absolutely everything I do and I despise it.

I feel like a failure to everything and everyone around me. I feel stupid and worthless and that I should be punished. I feel angry at myself and the world. The world, I think, has gone to shit - it's all a big joke. How can a simple, natural part of life such as death cause so much pain and devastation to people? How do we explain this? Can science? When does something stop being a mathematical instruction and start becoming a torment of the soul? My philosophies are running about my head wildly and I feel the motion sickness taking its toll.

I feel nothing, mostly. Apathy has crept into my being like a clawed virus and numbed every nerve and thought that penetrates my vulnerable brain. I now function. Function! Just like everyone else! Just like anyone who hasn't witnessed the dark, morbid and horrific side of life that grabs hold of you and draws the life out of you, drains you of the will to keep on living. I refuse. I REFUSE TO GO BACK.

I want to remain. Remain unsettled, remain unjustified, remain disgusted with this world. This world which I KNOW is unfair, is detestable, is disgusting and vile. This world which I retch to view. I don't want to live here. I want to remain repulsed by the stench of the bodies of victims of child abuse, rape, human trafficking, murder, war, torture, trauma. I want to hate the world as it should be hated. There is no alternative.

There is no alternative.