Ugh. I suck at blogging.
Sorry I can't keep a routine habit of updating. Then again, I doubt there's many who bother to read this crap XD
Big news, folks. After clawing my way through the past few months, I'm finally landing into a possible psychiatric diagnosis. On the agenda, it's either borderline personality disorder or bipolar disorder. Personally, I think the latter. While borderline personality disorder can explain my apparently turbulent relationships, fear of rejection and self-destructive episodes, nothing explains my dramatic mood swings better than bipolar disorder.
The possibility of the illness was first speculated by myself after my visit to a college in York where I was studying performing arts and becoming strangely hyperactive. I quickly disregarded this thought and have only come back to it recently. The months leading up to my four-week stay at the college were full of activity, some of which I never thought I was even capable of. Throwing parties, for instance, was completely out of the ordinary for a socially inept recluse spider such as myself, and yet, in the space of two months, I went to four - two of which I personally and willingly hosted. As for my month's stay at college, living in a small barn conversion that served as my student accommodation, I could write a book about how excited and happy I was. Even in the moments I felt stung by criticism (an unfortunate occurrence you have to get used to in the acting business) or homesick, I still felt restless, energetic to a point of being completely unable to sit still. I ran on impulses, engaging in dangerous activity like drug possession (briefly) and walking through a strange city by myself, drunk, at night. They all seemed like brilliant ideas at the time. And at the time, I was completely stimulated. I don't know if it was just the college course or not, but it felt like I was constantly on a massive high, like I was on my tiptoes all the time, eyes wide, my brain flooded with ideas, thoughts bouncing around my head like bullets in a steel chamber.
Then I attempted suicide. Out of nowhere.
Over Christmas, I was filled with a heavy, toxic-black substance that seemed to anchor me down into the furious tide that was my own twisted psyche. It was like my mind threatened to overwhelm me, engulf me and drown me in a deep black pool of dysphoria. Christmas day itself was a wonderful day spent with my new and current boyfriend and his family. I spent the New Year weeks cocooned in my bed, sobbing. I wished myself out of this world, reasoning that I could not be more detached from myself and it; I may as well leave completely.
After New Year, I vowed to go to the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art - RADA. Once again, my mind was fixed on my sole purpose in life - to be the greatest actor the world has ever seen! Application after application was written and sent. Not just to RADA either, but to LAMDA and Bristol Old Vic Theatre School. I got an acting tutor, I went to an audition at Bristol Old Vic. It turned out that I may as well have never had that acting tutor because she sucked and over-dramatised all of my monologues, thus savaging my audition. I was quickly rejected, to no surprise of my own. But after the small amount of tears down the phone to my boyfriend, I was back on my feet, emailing the auditioners for advice, looking for ways to achieve my ultimate goal. I even got a job working at a restaurant at a gardening centre.
Now my dose of the antidepressant, fluoxetine hydrochloride, has been increased from 20mg to 40mg ever since my mood fell again and I went into another depression involving self harm and overdosing. A friend of mine who has Cyclothymia (a "mild version" of bipolar disorder) and has had multiple friends with varying types of the illness speculated the possibility of me sharing this condition. Coincidentally, on the exact same day, my grandmother proposed strikingly similar ideas. It doesn't help that borderline personality disorder (BPD) and bipolar disorder are very alike to each other, sharing qualities such as impulsivity, irritability, rage and, above all, dramatic mood swings. The differences being that BPD is a learned behaviour based on deep insecurity and bipolar is a mental illness caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain and in spite of medical treatment, it is usually chronic. With the help of my parents and very nice psychiatric consultant at the hospital, we've identified symptoms in me that are of both illnesses. The doctor has also told us that the two ailments can even work together sometimes. Which is GREAT news. Would you like more speech in my sarcasm?
God, can't my hormones just let up for once??!
Well, all I can say is that so far, the antidepressants have been working out really well. I feel more in tune with myself and less "scrambled up" as I once put it. Nevertheless, drugs always have their downsides. My mood swings have been tamed, but more erratic. I've been going up and down basically all over the place.
Man, I don't even know where to begin!
Have I honestly just been writing about my oh-so-tragic life again for the last half hour??
CRAP.
Fine, I'll keep it short and save you guys from dying of listening to me ramble on and on and bloody on. I think I'm bipolar and the main reasons why are listed above - big ol' fancy mood swings! YAY!!! Any outside info/opinions would be very helpful.
Thanks!
